How to Overcome and Use Divorce for Self-Improvement | Anita Aldana

There's a question we rarely ask ourselves: who was I before I became who I am now?

When I asked Anita Aldana this question in our latest episode, her answer kept me thinking for days. She told me about a photo that still makes her feel something: a little girl with pigtails, smiling without pretense. 'That girl was happy. She smiled because life was simple,' she told me.

That sentence sums it all up.

The Script We Didn't Write

Anita describes something that probably sounds familiar: following a script someone else wrote for you. Study, graduate, get a good job, get married, have children. She followed every step. She had the husband, the house, the career. But happiness wasn't there.

And she couldn't feel it.

'I ended up living the life the script said I was supposed to live,' she told me. 'And after four years of marriage, I realized I didn't feel fulfilled. I didn't feel happy. I didn't feel like myself.'

On New Year's Eve, while everyone was celebrating, Anita packed her bags and went back to her parents' house. She left everything material behind. Everything except herself.

The Dark Night and the Ironman That Changed Everything

What followed was what poets call 'the dark night of the soul.' A deep crisis. An enormous question: who am I really?

Anita found her answer in an unexpected place: sports. She signed up for an Ironman without ever having run anything significant. A friend told her she was crazy. Her body wasn't ready. Her mind wasn't either.

But every morning at 4 AM, even if she'd spent the previous day crying, she went out to train. The pool became her sanctuary of silence. The bicycle, her therapist. Running, her meditation.

'When I crossed that finish line, I cried,' she shared. 'Because I said: if I could do this, I can do anything. And if I can do this race, I'm going to get through this crisis.'

There, at that finish line, her self-esteem began to grow again. She began to believe in herself once more.

When What Saved You Becomes Your Next Barrier

This conversation with Anita took me to a very personal place. I shared something I rarely talk about: that for me, building a family was harder than climbing Everest.

I come from a family where there were divorces. That experience turned me into a nomad, someone who didn't get attached to anything or anyone. It was my survival mechanism. And for a long time, it worked perfectly.

But when I wanted to build my own family, that same armor became an obstacle. Every time I look at my daughter, part of me feels an immense happiness, and another part feels a fear I can't fully explain.

I asked Anita what to do when the thing that was your springboard becomes your shadow.

Her answer was revealing: 'Sometimes we're more afraid of success, of the beautiful things. Sometimes we're more afraid of the wonderful family that will always be there than of being alone. Because being alone is familiar.'

We fear the unknown, even when the unknown is happiness.

A Hack for Fear

I asked Anita for a hack to deal with fear. She told me about a coaching technique called 'the empty chair.'

It consists of sitting down, placing an empty chair beside you, and imagining you take out your fear and sit it there. Then you talk to it. You ask: what's your name? Where do you come from? What are you trying to protect me from?

When Anita wanted to leave her corporate job, her fear told her: 'You're going to starve.' So she sat down with that fear and asked it why it said that. The fear had a name: financial insecurity. Once she identified it, she could work on it specifically.

'Fear doesn't disappear completely,' she explained. 'But it diminishes because you move forward with more confidence that the fear isn't as real as it seems.'

The most powerful part: thanks to that fear of ending up on the street, Anita created her group coaching program. The fear forced her to prepare, to have a plan B, to build a solid structure. The fear, paradoxically, gave her her greatest achievement.

Permission to Dream Big

Toward the end of our conversation, I asked Anita who she chooses to be today.

Her answer moved me: 'Today I choose to be someone who isn't afraid of her own light. Who doesn't feel she has to dream small. Who can dream big and feel that she deserves those big things.'

This is what we sometimes forget. We prepare for crises, for blows, for falls. But we don't prepare ourselves to deserve good things. We don't give ourselves permission to be happy without waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Lessons I Take With Me

The script can be edited. The path your parents, society, and environment gave you had good intentions. But you're an adult now. You have the freedom — and the responsibility — to write your own.

Look for examples of what's possible. When your mind tells you something can't be done, find examples of people who've done it. Your mind doesn't distinguish between your experience and someone else's. If you see it's possible, you start to believe.

Being 'weird' is being extraordinary. Etymologically, 'rare' means extraordinary. When you step outside the system and people see you as different, you're choosing a braver life.

Fear brings valuable information. Don't avoid it, don't shove it under the pillow. Sit with it, listen to it, ask it what it's trying to tell you. Many times, on the other side of fear is exactly what you need.

Your values are your compass. When you know what you truly value, you can make decisions. You can say yes or no with clarity. You can build relationships and projects that make sense to you.

An Invitation

If this episode resonated with you, I invite you to ask yourself the question I asked Anita: who were you before you became who you are now? What part of that person do you want to recover?

Anita is about to start a new edition of her group coaching program in September. You can find more information at 30libros.com. Her book 'Rare: A Book That Will Help You Discover Your Extraordinary Side' is available on Amazon.

Stories like Anita's remind us that crises are not the end. They're the springboard. That we can smile again like when we were children. And that the little girl with pigtails is still there, waiting for us to let her out.

See you in the next episode.

Andrea